I'm back

I have returned from my hiatus. You may be asking yourself, "what happened to Her?" Shut up. It's none of your business. Just focus on the present. In this case, the present has two meanings. In its first usage, it is temporal. The present is the here and now. It is also being used to mean "a gift." This web log is a present from me to you, the reader, because you do not pay for it and I am giving it to you. Enjoy your present (both meanings).

Ode to Dan

So there's this guy at work and he deserves an entire blog all to himself. His name is Dan, but for the purposes of this blog, we shall call him Dan. Ok so Dan...he is like this walking dichotomy of personality. At first glimpse he appears angry and bitter about life, but at second glimpse he is just downright hateful. No that's not true, if you are able to peal away the many layers of D you ultimately get down to this giant, cuddly, paranoid schizophrenic teddy bear. I love him. Ok so Dan is a big dude, not so much "jean claude van damme" big, more like..."we had to order special chairs" big. And he has no shame about this, infact some would even say, he takes pride in it. It's not unusual to walk into the office and smell spare ribs coming from his cubicle. No joke, the guy plugs a george foreman into the powerstrip and BBQ's at his desk. By some stroke of luck, I have managed to wind up on the guys good side. There are like four people on Dan's good side. Our Supervisor, This little old lady that he house sits for when she goes to visit her son in florida, me, and the guy who puts extra onion rings on his cheeseburger at Carls Jr.

So anyway, today i walk into the office, the office mind you, a place where we pretend to conduct real business. and the guy is sitting there widdling this piece of cedar. i look over his shoulder and it's a fucking plaque with whinny the pooh on it. This is a bit like stumbling upon Jeffrey Dahmer engrossed in a coloring book. He also has a small torch plugged into the power strip and he's wood burning shading into Pooh's tree. I look at him with this squinty...'do i even want to ask' look and he just looks at me and shrugs and says...

"it's carving this or carving bodies"

nuff said.

Vincente

Poor Van Gogh cut off his ear and gave it to a prostitute who flung it away in disgust.

silly van...whores don't want ears, they want money.

i guess that's why you were such a great painter...
you didn't understand much else.

I made the recent discovery that Captain Ahabs first mate was named Starbuck. It all makes sense to me now. I can just see him standing on the deck of the pequod with a parrot perched on his shoulder like legions of other sea worthy characters, bellowing commands. Repeated in unison by his swearthy shipmates;

"Right Rudder left!"
`Right Rudder Left!"

Jib up the starboard side!!
Aye, Jib up the starboard side!!

and so it is today...in the very coffee house that bares his name...that the distant echoing calls of the old first mate can still be heard..

Tall Nonfat Vanilla Latte!
Tall Nonfat Vanilla Latte!

Viente Mocha Frappaccino!
Aye, Viente Mocha Frappaccino!

and the large white whales roll up and away from the marble counter....

Thar they blow.